I don’t believe in negative feedback.

Stick with me.

I just, kind of, don’t think it’s helpful. Not at work, not a home. As a manager I’ve never enjoyed giving it. As an employee I’ve never enjoyed getting it. As a parent, I’ve given my fair share but in recent years just kind of… stopped.

That’s not to say that I don’t give correction, or teaching, or facts. There are even consequences. But negative feedback? A criticism and pointed remark on “where one needs to improve?” Nah. I don’t really do that anymore. And I certainly don’t do it with emotion tied to it.

Many of us have worked in a toxic workplace where hierarchy reigns supreme. Your future depends on the opinion of your superior. I’ve been on this on both sides and I’ll admit, I’m guilty of getting of condescendingly pointing out to someone the areas in which they are lacking and need to improve, as if my higher ranking somehow allows me to “know better.” And I’ve been the person who felt so small as a boss pointed out the areas I wasn’t doing well.

We are all imperfect. We are all (or should be) constantly growing and changing and learning. Making a mistake is not a personality flaw. And imperfections do not reflect our worth. Yet, in the workplace and often at home, it does. Your salary, your future, your worth… is sometimes determined my someone else’s opinion of you. In fact, your entire livelihood depends on it. That’s quite a stressful place to be.

I’m a positive reinforcement type of girl. I’m a focus on the positive and what you’re doing well kind of parent. I believe people will live up to their expectations. What you see is what you get – literally. If I’m constantly pointing out to my kid how messy they are, or how they don’t listen, that’s what I’ll get more of. If I reinforce the behavior I want, if I tell them, “you’re so responsible” when they do something responsible or “I love the way you keep your room clean” (when they clean it, even if they don’t most of the time) they will start to believe all those positive things. They will start to BE all those positive things. Shaming them only shrinks their light and hurts their little souls. In fact, I find myself having to reverse the damage I’ve done there in some ways.

There’s great lip service to leaning into strengths at work, but I’ve yet to see it really play out. The lingo has changed over the years for sure- instead of “fix this and get your act together” it’s a “how can we help you be better in this way?” Kinder – certainly, but still a focus on what is wrong. I believe if you focus on the desired result, and provide positive feedback to that end, you’ll have happier, empowered and confident employees. A person who lives in a state of uncertainty or fear of making a mistake is not able to perform at their best and use their strengths.

Given more time I’m sure I could hash this out into a better argument but let’s discuss. What do you think? Is it just me, an Enneagram 3? Is there anyone out there who likes getting “feedback” on improvement?

This blog was written in a hurry and not spell checked or grammar checked or even proofed so… feel free to leave any negative feedback regarding that. 🙂

Final note: in researching a public domain photo to put with this blog, I came across this article in the Harvard Business Review. I feel totally validated: https://hbr.org/2018/01/negative-feedback-rarely-leads-to-improvement